Let’s talk breastfeeding.
This photo below is of me, freshly out of the labour suite attempting to successfully need and nourish my baby as a first time mum. My friend who took this picture said to be "Let me take a photo, you'll want to remember this moment" and I was fortunate enough that I let her, simply because its the only photo I have of me feeding Eevie.. the only evidence to say I atleast tried..
Breastfeeding is an absolutely beautiful process that allows you to maintain a very close bond with your baby.. not to mention the endless supply and the fact that its free 😉 but unfortunately, I didn’t get the results I was expecting.
When I was pregnant, I thought it would be a breeze. I mean, it seemed simple enough.. just latch and off she goes, right?
Boy was I wrong.. day 2 when your milk comes in, boy oh boy the pain.. no one ever talks about the pain or how you literally get a let down each and every time you thought about your baby or sometimes it would just catch you off guard. Fortunately enough, my nipples didn’t crack (thank the lord) but emotionally I struggled and Eevie never had the best latch
a) due to not having the best sucking reflex and
b) because I had such a strong let down she would never be able to handle it (for this, I strongly recommend investing in breast pads. I used Rite Aid nursing pads which ranged between $6-8 per box)..
This caused her to become extremely unsettled and scream each and every time which killed me.. stressed me to the point where the bottle looked liked easier option but I was constantly told “just hang in there, it gets easier” which I am sure was completely true.
I remember going into hospital thinking I would have gotten taught how to feed, but when Eevie was crying at all hours of the morning at I pressed the buzzer to suggest “I think she is hungry”, I was given the helpful advise of “well feed her”. How am I supposed to feed her when she had been syringe fed and I have no idea what I’m doing? Hello? First time mum with these new boobs that I have no idea how to use. Of course with this comes the burden of that midwife who clearly wasn’t impressed to be called at 2am (she was absolutely lovely at changeover, night shift is hard.. believe me I know).. so you just nod your head and pretend you know exactly what you’re doing. Please people, just ask for the help.
When I got home, It didn’t get any easier. I cried so SO much because I felt the one thing I should have been able to do wasn’t exactly working out for me. The worst part? Corey couldn’t do absolutely anything at all so this was something I felt I had to figure out on my own.
I tried seeing my GP, ate “boobie bikkies”, went to a lactation consultant, tried infants friend for the colic and even got advice from my beautiful friends but still felt like I was failing Eevie.. when Eevie was four weeks, I tried her on formula (Karicare). That day she seemed like a different, more settled baby. I thought maybe mixed feeding would be an alternative so I began to express and went and bought an electric pump. I lasted 2 days express feeding. It was taking up such a big chunk of the day and I was constantly having to stop and start again. I was becoming more impatient waiting for it to get easier and this mixed with the sleep deprivation was weighing me down mentally. I felt a burden on my friends asking the same questions repeatedly and I felt so helpless not knowing what I could do because this was not the reality to my expectations and even questioned my ability to be a mother. I struggled knowing whether she was getting enough and struggling wondering if what I was doing was right and the hardest part was that I truely struggled to find the motivation to get up of a night because I started to HATE breastfeeding; the one process I felt I was meant to do successfully.. No one ever tells you that it isn't easy and unfortunately, someone always has something to say about your decisions.
Eevie is now 16 weeks and is bottle fed on NAN Comfort. Often I think about whether I gave up to easily and whether it was the right decision, but then I look at her absolutely thriving and smiling and I realise I made the right choice because I no longer wake up and dread having to try feed her, she was content and we were HAPPY. My biggest negative with formula feeding is the cost. Eevie is quite the hungry bub and we go through about a tin a week and add that up you’re looking around $90 a month. I still struggle with people asking “so how’s breast feeding?” and the look you get when you say “she’s not”.. the judgement and the questions to follow and you feel as though you don’t have a reasonable explanation. It’s funny you know, you get scrutinized for breastfeeding but also get some pretty good judgement if you don’t. Come on ladies, where do we win?!
I’ve gotten used to this, and I feel finally at ease with my decision. My baby is bottle fed and she is doing a-okay.
I do hope that one day if I do decide to have another baby that I will have a stronger mentality to persevere through and that I will be more educated in regards to breastfeeding as it is such a rewarding and beautiful experience to have with your baby.
NOTE: this is not me suggesting formula over breast and I absolutely applaud for all of you who persevered because it’s BLOODY HARD xx
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